The Gift of Presence

From the stillness of this place of waiting, of pondering, of allowing the year ahead to unfold... not with my list of things I want to accomplish this year (although there are plenty of those!) but to wait, to respond to Dom’s invitation to listen for God’s direction.

Our church has this rhythm of making the month of January a time of rest, a time for a different focus. This has seemed odd to me, as here in the States we're in the middle of the year (not like in New Zealand where I grew up, where January is the summer holiday month.) Somehow, this year, I sense the call to rest, to lay down the striving to make this year the best ever, and to allow my life to be held.

January has always been the most difficult month of the year for me-- the darkness, the grey, the incessant rain-- nothing really to look forward to-- just to survive until signs of spring begin to appear. But this year I'm approaching it differently, and I'm inviting you to share my journey with me as I ponder, as I wonder about words God has given me that have become special to me over the years…I am sure you have yours too.

 The book of Psalms in my Bible has many verses underlined, with exclamations alongside. Psalm 16 is one that includes verses that I read many years ago when I was young and that come back to me constantly as “my” verses, that God has given to me and that continue to bring to life to me.

The Psalm begins with the words, “Keep me safe, oh God, for in You I take refuge”. God has always been my safe place and my refuge, for which I am grateful. But the words in that Psalm that resonate with me constantly are found in verses 5 and 6, “Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.”

Picture the girl I was … brought up in a home where I was always falling short the high standards set by my older sister... often out of sorts with my mother... dealing with my father sunk in a depressive state of illness throughout my teenage years…sent to Sunday School at the local Presbyterian church, although my parents never attended…somehow always knowing I was held by my Heavenly Father…meeting evangelical teaching at age 15 …“ask Jesus into your heart”—well, that was a given for me—I think he was already there…being caught up  in the move of the Spirit in the Charismatic Movement as a college student…sensing always God’s Spirit, and then came these words of promise from Psalm 16 that I embraced. My life in Him at that time was pleasant, my inheritance delightful.

 I dreamed of having a home as different from the one in which I had grown up as could be...a strong, deeply committed Christian husband, raising happy, obedient children who loved one another, a beautiful home open to others and a special ministry. In rode my knight on a shining horse…we dreamed of doing missionary work together—the boundary lines continued to fall for me in pleasant places, my inheritance was indeed delightful!

The reality of what followed however was very different to my dreams. Yes, there were mountain top times, but the valleys were deeper and more painful than I could ever have imagined. That cup, like Jesus’ cup, held things I never would have chosen. And yet, my lot was secure—because He was my safe place, my refuge. The boundary lines were there.

In the Bible I now own, I have scribbled several dates besides these verses in Psalm 16. Looking at the first date, I wondered what had been happening in my life at that time. Oh, yes…the year we gave our adopted daughter back into state care because we could not cope with her needs. Even writing this now, the pain rises... boundary lines, Lord? Pleasant places? Delightful inheritance?

I dropped my daughter off at the state office. I came home. I remember as if it were yesterday… sitting at the top of my stairs, my Golden Retriever’s head on my lap, his eyes gazing lovingly at me. I was devastated beyond devastation. I had let everyone down! I had let God down I had let Bethany down! I had let Laurence down! Most of all, I'd let myself down--I was not who I thought I was, who I wanted to be.

I had failed to drink fully the cup that was assigned to me, a cup that had been brimming over with excitement four years earlier when a friend asked us if we would adopt her 10-year-old daughter who'd been through so much trauma.

You had assigned me my cup, Lord, and I dropped it.

What holds one in these moments when everything you believe in is falling apart? What pulled me back into this scripture? How could I continue to trust these words were still true for me? Into my grief came that familiar still, small whisper, “It is okay, Wendy. I am holding you. You did what you had to do. I am holding Bethany. I will take care of her.”

Places like that invite you to choose… as Moses said, “I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life...” (Deuteronomy 30:19) And Peter's words to Jesus, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.” (John 6:68).  For me, the choice has always been to run into my beloved Father's arms, and in every situation he has caught me and held me close.

My Psalm ends with these words, “You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.”

Here is the answer—it is in his presence, at his right hand that we will find the joy we seek, the pleasures we need in those places of trouble. Only there. The path of life is not straight; it has bends and curves we would not have anticipated; it has steep places to climb that take all our energy; it has times of such deep joy that catch our breath; it has our God—his mercies new every morning, his faithfulness never ceasing.

Which brings me to today. So much goodness that I bask in, the reward of a long life lived as a constant journey with God, through the mountain heights and the low valley places. Anyone with a sister, a husband, 4 daughters, 2 sons-in-law, and 9 grandies has plenty of opportunities for challenges!  Yet, there is so much safety in knowing that my loving heavenly Father has assigned me my portion and my cup, that he has made my lot secure, that there are boundary lines that hold me in pleasant places, even in the midst of the challenges, and that I truly do have a delightful inheritance. All because of who he is. His grace, his mercy, his presence and his everlasting love.

So, I wait for you, Lord. I sit in silence with open hands, with Dom’s questions:

• What is the silence trying to tell me?

• Where am I acting like a fortress when I am actually a leaning wall?

• What have I been holding back that I need to pour out?

• What is God inviting me into, not to do, but to be?

  
  

I invite you to allow this whole month of January to be a starting place for you to embrace life with God at a deeper level. Don’t be in a hurry to answer these questions. Ponder them. Respond to them in concert with the Spirit. If these questions seem to raise issues that you sense a need to process with someone, we are here for you at Fermata Ministries to offer you that opportunity.

God is good, and good things lie ahead.

If you are wondering about the end of the Bethany story, she is now one of our beloved daughters, and her children are delighted to call me Grammy.  We share a close bond, and she would tell you that everything she knows to do well is because of us! I think it is really because of God’s love and faithfulness! Her and her children’s inheritance are also delightful. And I am so grateful.