Renewal

I recently experienced a short season of waiting. I was waiting to hear if I was going to make a major life change; to go from stay at home mom of 15 years, to a full time teacher. Spoiler alert, I did not get the job I was applying for, no major life change yet. For reasons out of my control, the decision making process took an abnormal amount of time. So while I was waiting, I was trying my best to be content. To have patience. To imagine a new beginning, but not to get ahead of myself. To keep the self-doubt at bay and to not think more highly of myself than I ought. Well turns out, I am not good at waiting. I actually already knew this about myself as this was not the first or longest waiting season I’ve experienced. But I was still trying. And still failing.

              A good friend of mine reminded me to be attentive to what the Lord had for me to learn in this waiting time. So I would get my journal out and write. I would pray and walk. I would sit and listen. And as I tried all these methods of being attentive, I started to notice that I was growing angry. I wasn’t able at first to pin point what I was angry about, but overtime I realized it was because there was literally nothing I could do but wait for more information to be given to me. I couldn’t seek it out on the internet, I couldn’t solve a problem and find the solution. I couldn’t fix it. I couldn’t fix my anger and I couldn’t fix my circumstances.

  So I leaned into people I trusted to help me hold this burden. One day while I was still waiting, I went walking with my friend in the woods. We weren’t 500 feet from the car before I burst into tears, (read: uncontrollable sobs). The worst part of this anger-during-waiting, was how it made me feel like God was somehow far away and I didn’t have any way to bring him closer. I said this aloud to my friend and in her sweet way, we uncovered a false belief that I had been struggling with about God. Have you ever felt like God was inaccessible? Like you had to line up AB and C in your life in order for him to want to come near you? Or that you had to follow some magic three steps to get his attention? For me, I had made up this idea in my head that I had to crawl out of the tunnel I had hid myself in, to find God waiting for me on the other side. I knew that God is love, and that he freely offers his love to the world, to me. But I somehow twisted my perspective to something untrue.

  I tell you all this because, walking (and crying) in the woods that day changed my life. God came near to me, and he used my friend to do it. A new, true, belief was moving into my heart and mind and revealing to me more about the loving and accessible God. This is truth: God is accessible. He is accessible no matter how long I have to wait, how angry I get, how many methods I try, how many tears I cry. God is actually always with me. Don’t skip this part. My goodness, how incredibly wonderful to be promised by God the Father, Son and Spirit that for those who are in Christ, He is in them! God is always accessible to me. I am surrounded by his love. I am invited into the love that the Father has for the Son, and commanded to love like I have been loved by God.

  I hope you can read my little story and understand that I didn’t get what I thought I wanted out of this waiting season. I thought I wanted a new job, a new major life change. But God knew that I needed something else from all this waiting. He knew that the life change I needed wasn’t in my work or title. Instead He saw fit to give me a new heart and mind about how I understood and received His presence and His love. Living a life as a believer calls us into many things; the renewing of the mind; the transformation of the heart and life. I am being renewed by His presence. I am being transformed by His love.

I leave for you a little poem that came as a sweet reminder from the Lord each morning as I was waiting and watching the birds in my yard and trees.

Night gives way to dawn

As the sparrow begins her song

Rhythms of the earth are reminded of their beat

As the sun rises, declaring with its heat

                                                          Good Morning!

Sitting perched atop her tree

The sparrow remembers to sing her prayer

Light and warmth make their way

To all who are awake and aware

Singing as she accomplishes incredible feats

Praying as she prepares a small feast

Singing as she flies around

Praying as she lies down

Singing till the day is done

All under the warmth and light of the sun.

As a spirit filled believer, I am like this bird. I know the warmth and light of the sun. I know the love and voice of the Holy Spirit. The Father, Son and Holy Spirit dwell in me. God calls me by name. I too have been given a song to sing. To sing of His love to those around me. To sing of His love for me because I truly live in that love. Love not earned or even fathomed, but love from Father, Son and Spirit freely given to me. To believe and live in God’s love is my song. 

              Is there a place in your mind that needs renewal? Is there a part of your heart that God’s presence needs to transform? Turn to those around you who are faithfully following our Lord, and allow Him to minister to you through them.