Look Up From Your Fear-Filled Place

{Today, my dear friend Jenell Kemhus is sharing with you her experience of God's provision for her}

I often look for markers in my life. Places where I can see when something shifted or changed or took root. Places of growth. Places of learning. Sometimes these markers are positive like when a belief system takes root and I see my life marked by that for the better. Other times these markers are negative like when fears take root and I have to fight them from that point on. My childhood and young adulthood was not marked by fear and anxiety. In general, there wasn’t much that I was afraid of. I mean, don’t get me too close to the edge of a cliff, but I will still go hiking. I never really dealt with anxiety in my own mind until after the birth of my second born.

I experienced post-partum depression almost immediately following the birth of my son Elias in December 2012. I was in the middle of a master’s degree program, working part time and raising a toddler. I had a lot on my plate. But prior to getting pregnant with Elias, we had a devastating miscarriage. I say, “we” because it affected my whole family. I didn’t realize it at the time, but a lot of emotions and fears that come from losing a child went undealt with before we got pregnant again. Well-meaning people told us the best way to get over a miscarriage was to try again to have another baby as soon as possible. And in some ways it was helpful, it restored our hope of growing our family. We were delighted each week that went by during that pregnancy. But after Elias was born, ALL the emotions came at me like a flood. Some days, I felt like I couldn’t get my head above water. This took a toll on my joy for life, on my marriage, on my desire to mother my two sweet little boys. I had fears that I had never known before. Fear of losing my husband and being all alone with two little boys to raise. Questions like, how can I possibly love two children at the same time and not show favoritism? Will this new baby ever learn to nurse? Fearing what kind of mom I would be. Emotions and fears were making me feel like I was drowning.

One day, at a lactation consultation (my newborn was struggling to breastfeed) I did what any mom in my shoes would do; I broke down sobbing in front of a stranger. As I held my newborn and wept, the sweet, angelic woman sitting beside me asked if I was ok. “No, I don’t think I am ok”, I said between sobs. I am pretty sure I sent this woman into retirement, but before that, she referred me to a very smart and helpful counselor. Meetings with this counselor felt like breaths of fresh air to my soul. Over time, I finally felt hope return and some relief on my emotional health.

This post-partum experience took me by surprise. Depression and anxiety hit me while I was in a vulnerable place in life. I don’t know that I could have done anything differently. How could I have seen that coming? Up to this point in my life I had lots of markers of faith taking root in God’s Word. I had learned a lot in my 27 years of life, but it was clear to me I needed to learn more. I needed a way to fight. Not to escape fear, anxiety and depression, because that is impossible. I needed to fight against letting those emotions and fears control me and God was right there, graciously ready to walk with me and be my teacher as I learned a new skillset that I would likely need for the rest of my life.

 Fast forward to 2016 when I had a new round of anxiety. This time the anxiety came in the form of the fear of many things. I feared flying, heights, depths, parking garages, and more. This has never fully gone away despite my battles and fear-facing moments. I have flown, while reciting scripture and songs of faith. I have gone into parking garages with my heart pounding, speaking truth to myself. I have also run out of a cave, fearing depths, desperate for sky and light. These were markers of learning to fight fears with the Word of God.

              “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for you are with me. Your rod and your staff they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies – my enemies of fear and anxious thoughts. You anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows.” You protect me with yourself so I can keep on doing the work you have called me to do. 

This psalm, Psalm 23, has come to be my help, my comfort, my deliverance, even my healing at different fearful times in my life. This is where I see God as teacher, developing in me the skill set I need for fighting anxious thoughts. He has given me many verses over the years to comfort me, to calm me down. But I want to share how Psalm 23 has been a life raft when the emotions try to overwhelm my mind.

Recently I clung to this Psalm on a trip when I took my parents to Canada. It was a short notice trip to visit family during a difficult time due to health reasons. Mom, Dad and I packed up my minivan and drove to Kamloops, BC. You don’t have to look far to see where my fear of heights originated from. Nearly all my family has struggled with that one from time to time.

There we were driving to Canada, Dad in the back seat, retelling the stories from the past trips they had taken over the years. In his storytelling, though, it was clear he had a fear of driving over the mountain pass we were about to climb. At one point early in our journey he asked me which route I was planning to take; the mountain pass or the 2 hour detour through the winding river valley. I shared that my plan was to take the mountain pass. I had researched it, looked at the road conditions and the projected weather forecast and decided that would be a safe route to take.  This was when Dad started to share all of his fears; stories of how the last time he drove over that pass he had to pull over, make someone else drive and lay down in the back seat of the car till they were safely through. Well, that didn’t help my anxiety. I also had a trip in the past where fear got the best of me and I had to pull over and let a friend drive. Since then, I had faced that fear many times by fighting through it with God’s word. This trip I was the one driving, no one else could. I kindly told Dad to hold the stories as they were beginning to freak me out. I called and asked my husband to pray for me. I knew in my head we would be fine, but my heart was beginning to race.

That morning I had spent time with God in his Word and had written out Psalm 23. “You are my shepherd, I shall not want.” I have want for nothing, because You are my Shepherd. Did I believe that? In this moment of potential crippling fear, did I believe that the Shepherd, the God of my life, really would provide all that I needed? Even safety over a mountain pass? Even control over anxious thoughts? You see, fear can be a result of my belief that I am lacking something – control, safety, information, power, enough of a resource, a voice. But, “You are my Shepherd, I shall not want.”

I couldn’t tell you if this was more of a test of my faith or my will. It was definitely both. Driving my parents safely over this mountain pass was an act of faith to truly live out a belief that what God and His word say is true. If I had chosen to give into fear, to not fight it with God’s word, I would have chosen to believe that I did lack something. The result of that would have been a canceled trip or a long detour. Both of those outcomes would have been fine, but not without disappointing consequences.

Since God’s word is a powerful tool against my enemy fear, I prayed Psalm 23 all the way over that mountain pass. And I was able to look up from my fearful place to see a beautiful landscape rise up before me. In case you wondered, we made it! And we made it coming home too!

Because the Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want.

Because You are my Shepherd, I have no want.

Because You are my Shepherd, You restore my soul.

Because You are my Shepherd, You comfort me.

Because You are my Shepherd, You lead me.

Because You are my Shepherd, I don’t have to fear.

To you reader I say, look up from your fear-filled place. Read God’s word, believe that what He says is true. And then see in your life how He has given Himself as your shepherd to lead you over your own mountain pass. Let His Word and His Spirit, train in you the skillset to fight your enemies.