"Feed My Sheep"

Our post today is written by Barbara Esselink, a fan of Simon Peter.

Peter is my most favorite person in the Bible. Of all the people in the Bible, I relate the most to who I imagine Peter to be. Passionate, hotheaded, speaking and reacting to emotion before thinking, loyal, determined, persistent—- these are all things I understand well. He loved Jesus so much, but still his humanity got the better of him. In his sin and weakness, Peter turned away from Jesus at one of his darkest moments, letting fear overcome his devotion to the one he claimed to love most in all the world. My friend Paul Bangsund recently wrote on this blog about Peter’s story leading up to Jesus’s arrest. The agony and shame and brokenness Peter must have felt!

Yet I find so much hope in Peter’s story, because it did not end at the cross—it was only getting started! Peter is not defined by one weak moment in his life. He is instead defined by a lifetime of service to His Teacher. Imperfect as he was, Peter gave his all for the rest of his life, and Jesus used this man to do one of the most important things in history—-to start the Church. And it all started with 3 simple words—- “Feed my Sheep”.

In John 21, we read about Peter in the days following Jesus’s death. I imagine in those days, Peter was an unmoored man. Listless, lost, mechanically going about his everyday life; going to bed every night tormenting himself by reliving Jesus’s last days and his own failures. Wondering what he would do next. There would be anger too, and bafflement—-how could the Lord die the way He did? Was He truly the Messiah? Did He truly come back from the dead? If He did, where was He? Every certainty Peter knew, was gone. So many questions swirling in his mind, and no good answers.

Then, one day, Peter went out to fish, expecting just another dull day since Jesus died. That night however, he didn’t catch a single fish. All night long, and no fish—- all that effort for nothing. The story of my life, he thought. Until suddenly, he saw a man. The man said, “Throw your net over the right side of your boat and you will find some” (John 21:6) and suddenly, fish were everywhere! Thronging around the boat, jumping into the net, so many they could not haul the net in. 7 men together, and they could not haul it! And that’s when Peter knew. Heart pounding, excitement and disbelief warring, he looked, really looked at the man, and suddenly, he knew it was Jesus. As was his wont, he reacted first, jumping into the water and abandoning the boat in his haste to reach Jesus. And as he stood there before Jesus, looking into Jesus’ eyes, he found he couldn’t say anything. He was still carrying that shame and guilt and sense of failure, and here was the man he had failed. He had a chance to ask all his questions, and yet he couldn’t see past his shame. What could he say? So he turned away and helped to bring the fish in.

But Jesus, our gracious and forgiving and loving Savior, knew Peter’s heart. He knew that Peter had weak and sinful moments—-how could he not? Peter was human and to be human is to be weak and sinful—- but Jesus also knew Peter loved Him, and truly desired to serve Him more than anything else in His life. Jesus knew the brightness that lived in Peter’s heart could not be dimmed by sin. So Jesus took Peter aside, and I love what was recorded by John about their conversation. It wasn’t “let’s talk about that night,” or “I love you, I forgive you,” though Jesus might have said those things. What John found most important to write down was Jesus saying” Do you love me more than these?” and “Feed my sheep”. This was Jesus acknowledging Peter’s commitment to what He has told them earlier was the most important commandment of all: “To love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind” (Matthew 22: 37) and then inviting Peter to a closely followed second: “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:38).

Friends, Jesus knew Peter’s heart. And Jesus knows YOUR heart. He knows MY heart. We have all had our weak moments, moments where we haven’t felt like we were enough. Moments where we felt despair that we would never accomplish anything meaningful for God. I remember a night over 20 years ago, when I was a graduate student failing utterly at getting my thesis accomplished. I had been so certain that getting my MD/PhD and doing research was the right thing to do, yet it wasn’t going well. And I had begun to have some niggling doubts. WHY was I doing this? Was it for my own glory, or for God’s? Was I putting ambition, prestige, and pursuit of knowledge first, or God? I was not saying that being in academia and pursuing knowledge was bad, but it was the intent behind it. What was my intent?

I prayed on my knees that night for hours, and guess what? I did not get an answer that night! Like Peter, I spent days feeling directionless, wrestling with questions, and feeling doubt and shame. Then, not soon after, the staff worker of the Christian Medical and Dental Association approached me and said, “God came to me in a dream and told me you are to come to a global health missions conference with us in 4 days. There’s one spot left in the van and it’s for you”. It’s a long story from there, but like Peter, what came out of that was a clear calling from God that sounded a LOT like “Feed My Sheep”, and I’ve been trying to do that ever since. When you lay your soul before the Lord faithfully, He will answer. It’s not always the answer you want, but He always answers. I didn’t expect to hear “Feed my sheep”, and I imagine Peter didn’t either. On that night in John 21, I imagine Peter thinking “really Jesus?? Of ALL the things You could say to me, THIS is what you want to tell me??” But it was clearly important to Jesus. And so, Peter obeyed.

I want to be like Peter. I want to spend my lifetime feeding His sheep. I want to not be defined or confined by my weakness, but to trust that God, in His great power, can use simple, weak people like me, and He is not constrained by my limitations. He can use me DESPITE myself, if I am willing.

Over the years, I have asked myself what it means to feed his sheep. I am not Peter, to start a church or give up my life and possessions to roam the world, preaching the gospel. But God has very certain people and places in mind for me, and I try to be open every day to any calling He has for me to love someone. It’s been a great variety of people.

I have been In Africa and Central America several times on missions. I have worked in free clinics, volunteered in a women’s recovery center, made meals for ailing friends and neighbors, sponsored children overseas. I get up every day and go to work at a clinic where I see need in so many ways, so many people God calls me to love, who are poor not just in monetary funds, but in spirit as well. But it’s also loving my children, my co workers, the man who pumps my gas, the homeless man down the street. It’s sharing the Good News with my family who does not believe, with my children’s baseball friends. I am not bragging about all the great things I’ve done, but marveling at ALL the people who need to be loved, and who God has shown me that He can love through me. It is humbling, because it is not I, but God who does it IN SPITE of me, as I promise you if left to myself, I would NOT have done half those things! Yet the amazing thing is that when you listen in obedience to God and love even when it feels hard, He blesses you so much by how loved YOU feel. I have never walked away from an encounter where I purposefully tried to love someone and felt bad for it.

As God used Peter, and is using me, so He is using YOU too. Who in your life needs to be loved? What opportunities has God put in your life to feed His sheep? Whether it is work, family, friends, a missions trip, an organization to volunteer with, a sports team member—- there are people out there waiting to be loved by you. Would you pray to God to show you who you are meant to love, and spend your lifetime feeding His sheep?